"Luckily, we do not have to go to school today," I told my bosom friend, Tom. We were jogging while having a conversation on school holidays. Even though it was a school holiday, we were all stressed up by the amount of homework so we decided to relief stress by jogging.
Suddenly, a sound captured our attention. "Help! Help!" the sound was coming from a nearby reservoir. Those chilling words echoed through the hot, dry air. We began to scan the place, trying to catch a glimpse of where the cry for help was coming from. Suddenly, we noticed a boy. It was George.
We did not know. George was not playing a fool. He had a fresh feeling of fear. He panicked and felt difficulty in breathing. He struggled and gasped for air. Swallowing gulps of water, he screamed frantically for help. We thought he was just pretending as it was his normal behaviour.
"Haha, lets see how long he can stay in the water," Tom exclaimed in glee.
He did the same thing to us the last time. He was only pretending to drown and swim back after a few minutes. This time it was different, he was trying to wade back to shore. However, it was fruitless as the strong waves make the task more daunting. It was a windy day that had caused the strong waves.
Out of a sudden, we noticed a bulky plastic bag behind him floating.What could it be? Could there be money inside or... We have a mix feelings of fear and excitement. What should we do? How we wished that the water will turn calm.
4 comments:
That's weird. How come when you listen to the MP3 you can heard a scream? That means the scream must be quite loud. If it's quite loud, then why will George want to pretend to drown when he let out a loud scream? Maybe he got a leg cramp and he is really not pretending bah...
If you want to describe more about the place/surrounding, that then can make me imagine the place. Becoz I can't figure out if it's a park or what although I know it have a reservoir. And describe the weather too! Morning, afternoon, evening, at night or midnight?
Then maybe this is a windy weather? Coz it will cause the water to turn and roll around. Then if not, it should be the cause of George splashing of the water. But if you see George splashing, something is going to happen...
Ooo..nice plot. Quite promising maybe. I just read one chapter only, so can't tell still. But, jiay00us orh! =]
hello:)for the 2nd paragraph, maybe you should not put too many suddenly in a paragraph. the starting of that paragraph is quite exciting!:)
eg."Those chilling words echoed through the hot, dry air."
for he 3rd paragraph, it is quite familiar. i think it is from mc right?:)haha it is good to put in what you learnt too:)you put in a lot of short sentences that create a "punch" when we read it:)
overall i think that the story is good:)as the ending part you have create suspense for us as it let us think what the bulky plastic bag would be.:)
but the 5th paragraph and the 6th paragraph a bit dont match as in like,your friend is drowning and "i" have the feeling to know what could be in the plastic bag....(i am not sure sorry:)
but i think that it is still good:)
quite excited to read your next one:)haha
peishan:):):)
Perhaps for the starting you could say that somebody dared George to swim in that reservoir and he accepted the dare. It would be much better.
Another thing is how did George know that you and Tom were at the park jogging, if you say that he wanted to pretend that he was drowning? It can't be just a coincidence...
These are the 2 points that you have to work on. Other than that, your overall is good. Keep it up!
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